It’s never easy taking someone else’s responsibilities when you are not ready for it. It’s like you’re stuck and there’s no way out. At that point in time, I was supposed to be flying free, explore the calamitous world of growing up, but I am held back. Yet again.
At some point, I know that I have to carry that burden on my shoulders but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. I dream of travelling around the world, going to parties with my friends, get laid along the way, explore the calamitous world of a rebel youth. To put it all out, I just want to be free! I had enough of being constricted for years and now, just before i hit the legal age of 21, I challenged without a huge boulder on my back.
I have to lead. I have to throw away my antics and just be a responsible adult. It is frustrating at that point in time because I feel that I’m lagging behind. My friends had probably did tons of notorious act and I’m being left out. Some may say, it’s for the best, but I felt ousted.
For years, I lived alone. Trying to pull the family together and get it going and I’m tired. I am really tired. One after the other, stones after stones thrown at me. I’ve tripped and fell too many times that I couldn’t be bothered trying. I begged, I cried, I dazed and at times, I just don’t sleep. Once, I had no sleep for 48 hours and I literally went bonkers. My family thought they were trying but they just made it worse. No one bothers to change their lavish lifestyle. Everyone wants to be how they were before but fact is, we can’t. We just can’t afford that.
I tried to see the good in them, all the good things that they have done for me. I kept telling myself, it was enough, but fact is, nothing was enough. I felt like nothing is ever enough. Imagine coming home to a messy house; with plates and cutleries left unwashed, laundries all over the house and heaps of rubbish left uncleaned. There was once, I decided to pick up the empty 1.5l bottles around the house, there were 12 bottles! 1-2 bottles!! Imagine my frustrations. I want my house to be a sanctuary, a place of solace, not a rubbish dump!
I was raised to keep my room tidy and neat. I have organized them according to colours, to keep my toys after playing with them and to put my soiled clothes in the laundry basket. Now, it seems like I’m the only one doing all of those and the rest are with their own antics. How can I survive any longer? My uncle used to tell me this, my late dad had the same issue and he tolerated it until he passed on. Does it mean that I will have to go through too?
I never understood what is it like to be in relationship and the moment I got in into one, I surprised him with my unorthodox persona. I am the total opposite of who I am. I am clingy, I am not independent, I don’t have a mind of my own and I just want to be with him 24/7. Goodness!
I do understand why I am feeling this way. One reason is because I had suppressed my emotions and kept it to myself. I never had the opportunity to express myself and feel the need to be loved. I felt like I’ve neglected my feelings and tried to accommodate to the situation that I’m in. This suppression of emotions amplified my neediness to be loved.
Despite all those rantings, my family is still my family and they are unique in their own ways. They are smart and independent as an individual but when they are in their abode, they have no care in the world about anything else. I have prayed nothing but the best for everyone.