I often wonder to myself, why am I feeling incomplete? Why is it that every single move I make is wrong and requires correction? Why is it that I always act on reflex to help others that I care? Is it me who always want to be acknowledged? To be accepted? To be loved? Why am I always thinking that I am not good enough for anyone? Why is it that whenever I try to solve things, it gets worse? Am I really that useless that I have nothing to be proud of?
My sister once told me that I always have the need to validate, to prove to the world that I am better than anyone yet remained humble. Which part of proving to the world is humility?
I am always concerned about what people think of me. About how I look going to work, how people perceive me and how I act. I need validation in everything that I do. Is it wrong to have the need to validate? Everyone makes mistake, I know I do, but I always take it hard. I take it like the world is against me and that no one really cares. I pushed any positive thoughts that came to me and just feel all sad for myself. Like I’m being neglected and thrown away by society.
Do people know how ugly I feel when being rejected? Do anyone know how hurtful it is when you thought that you can be perfect but you can’t? Do you know how it feels when you want the best for the family and goes all out for them but in the end, you’re the one to blame?
How do I change myself in the midst of everything? How do I make myself not bother and just do my own thing? I can’t. I always jump to the first thing that comes to mind and that is to help. Even when help is not needed. But little did I know, that reflex that I’m born with is the one that is causing the void in my heart. The void that I’ve been going crazy about. He just wants a listening ear, someone to confide in, and here I am, trying to fix things that don’t require fixing. All this while, people are agreeing with me and take advantage of the fact I’ll jump to the rescue w/o them having to tell me to. This is the first time I got that slap on the face that not everything requires my “help”.
I’ve been living in a life whereby people are just taking advantage of my kindness and now I know, that’s my weakness. A weakness that has created the unnecessary void in me. Because of this weakness, he decided not to confide in me when he’s at this lowest. What kind of partner have I become? A relationship is all about confiding in each other when they are their lowest and to know that they are always there but me, I chose to “help” when all he needs was just a listening ear. Something so simple and yet I couldn’t comprehend. Took me a year to hear all this and I guess I’ll have to work this on my own. A battle that I need to fight in order to keep me going.