Void. — April 27, 2017

Void.

I often wonder to myself, why am I feeling incomplete? Why is it that every single move I make is wrong and requires correction? Why is it that I always act on reflex to help others that I care? Is it me who always want to be acknowledged? To be accepted? To be loved? Why am I always thinking that I am not good enough for anyone? Why is it that whenever I try to solve things, it gets worse? Am I really that useless that I have nothing to be proud of?

My sister once told me that I always have the need to validate, to prove to the world that I am better than anyone yet remained humble.  Which part of proving to the world is humility?

I am always concerned about what people think of me. About how I look going to work, how people perceive me and how I act. I need validation in everything that I do. Is it wrong to have the need to validate? Everyone makes mistake, I know I do, but I always take it hard. I take it like the world is against me and that no one really cares. I pushed any positive thoughts that came to me and just feel all sad for myself. Like I’m being neglected and thrown away by society.

Do people know how ugly I feel when being rejected? Do anyone know how hurtful it is when you thought that you can be perfect but you can’t? Do you know how it feels when you want the best for the family and goes all out for them but in the end, you’re the one to blame?

How do I change myself in the midst of everything? How do I make myself not bother and just do my own thing? I can’t. I always jump to the first thing that comes to mind and that is to help. Even when help is not needed. But little did I know, that reflex that I’m born with is the one that is causing the void in my heart. The void that I’ve been going crazy about. He just wants a listening ear, someone to confide in, and here I am, trying to fix things that don’t require fixing. All this while, people are agreeing with me and take advantage of the fact I’ll jump to the rescue w/o them having to tell me to. This is the first time I got that slap on the face that not everything requires my “help”.

I’ve been living in a life whereby people are just taking advantage of my kindness and now I know, that’s my weakness. A weakness that has created the unnecessary void in me. Because of this weakness, he decided not to confide in me when he’s at this lowest. What kind of partner have I become? A relationship is all about confiding in each other when they are their lowest and to know that they are always there but me, I chose to “help” when all he needs was just a listening ear. Something so simple and yet I couldn’t comprehend. Took me a year to hear all this and I guess I’ll have to work this on my own. A battle that I need to fight in order to keep me going.

 

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Fire. — April 24, 2017
With you. — April 22, 2017

With you.

Nothing beats sitting by the water breaker and watch the moon rises

Feel the sea breeze on our faces

Enjoying the beauty that nature has gifted with

 

Nothing beats strolling along the busy road

With honking of cars and street lights

Embracing the ambiance of city life

Having dinner and sipping wines

Watching people as they walked past

 

Nothing beats laying in the corner of the bed

Watching movies and munching popcorns

Listening to music that brings back memories

Reminiscing the good old days.

 

All of those; with you.

Angst. — April 21, 2017
Mind. — April 20, 2017
Burnt — April 19, 2017

Burnt

It’s never easy taking someone else’s responsibilities when you are not ready for it. It’s like you’re stuck and there’s no way out. At that point in time, I was supposed to be flying free, explore the calamitous world of growing up, but I am held back. Yet again.

 At some point, I know that I have to carry that burden on my shoulders but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. I dream of travelling around the world, going to parties with my friends, get laid along the way, explore the calamitous world of a rebel youth. To put it all out, I just want to be free! I had enough of being constricted for years and now, just before i hit the legal age of 21, I challenged without a huge boulder on my back.

 I have to lead. I have to throw away my antics and just be a responsible adult. It is frustrating at that point in time because I feel that I’m lagging behind. My friends had probably did tons of notorious act and I’m being left out. Some may say, it’s for the best, but I felt ousted.

 For years, I lived alone. Trying to pull the family together and get it going and I’m tired. I am really tired. One after the other, stones after stones thrown at me. I’ve tripped and fell too many times that I couldn’t be bothered trying. I begged, I cried, I dazed and at times, I just don’t sleep. Once, I had no sleep for 48 hours and I literally went bonkers. My family thought they were trying but they just made it worse. No one bothers to change their lavish lifestyle. Everyone wants to be how they were before but fact is, we can’t. We just can’t afford that.

 I tried to see the good in them, all the good things that they have done for me. I kept telling myself, it was enough, but fact is, nothing was enough. I felt like nothing is ever enough. Imagine coming home to a messy house; with plates and cutleries left unwashed, laundries all over the house and heaps of rubbish left uncleaned. There was once, I decided to pick up the empty 1.5l bottles around the house, there were 12 bottles! 1-2 bottles!! Imagine my frustrations. I want my house to be a sanctuary, a place of solace, not a rubbish dump!

 I was raised to keep my room tidy and neat. I have organized them according to colours, to keep my toys after playing with them and to put my soiled clothes in the laundry basket. Now, it seems like I’m the only one doing all of those and the rest are with their own antics. How can I survive any longer? My uncle used to tell me this, my late dad had the same issue and he tolerated it until he passed on. Does it mean that I will have to go through too?

I never understood what is it like to be in relationship and the moment I got in into one, I surprised him with my unorthodox persona. I am the total opposite of who I am. I am clingy, I am not independent, I don’t have a mind of my own and I just want to be with him 24/7. Goodness!

 I do understand why I am feeling this way. One reason is because I had suppressed my emotions and kept it to myself. I never had the opportunity to express myself and feel the need to be loved. I felt like I’ve neglected my feelings and tried to accommodate to the situation that I’m in. This suppression of emotions amplified my neediness to be loved.

 Despite all those rantings, my family is still my family and they are unique in their own ways. They are smart and independent as an individual but when they are in their abode, they have no care in the world about anything else. I have prayed nothing but the best for everyone.